If you talked with my old high school chums and ex-girlfriends, they’d all tell you that I’m not the kind of guy who plays by other people’s rules. If a teacher told me to sit down and raise my hand, I’d stand up and shove my mitts into the back pockets of my Jordaches. Or, if coach told me to ride the bench after a bad fumble, I’d rip off my uniform, pick up a trombone, and rock out with the marching band instead. That’s just who I am, and I refuse to change for anyone or anything. There are obvious consequences to my contrarian mindset, but I fully embrace this as my lifestyle. Yes, I’ll never be able to get married because the priest will say tell me to love only my wife, and I’ll immediately take a trip down to Tijuana and break that oath. C’est la vie.

The biggest bone I have to pick is with physicists. These big-brained jerks with their beakers and their proton accelerators are always trying to circumscribe our world with rules, laws and order. I, for one, am simply sick and tired with their know-it-all-ness. I don’t want some lab-coat-wearing, quark-counting, ether-sniffing scientists telling me that energy can’t be created or destroyed but that it simply shifts back and forth between potential and kinetic states. That’s crazy talk! And Einstein must not have known about Nick at Night because the speed of light can’t be the only constant in the universe when Laverne and Shirley come on every evening at 11:30. Phooey, I say. These eggheads just want to make us regular folk feel inferior to their throbbing gray matter. It’s their way of enslaving us into living life the way they deem proper.

Like I said, I’m not one to simply sit on my hands and do nothing (unless someone tells me to raise my hand, that is). That’s why I dropped a few bucks on some suspension improvements on my ’06 GT Mustang. It all started back when I took that Pony out for a test drive. I hit a corner really, really fast because the salesman asked me to slow down, and I noticed that the steering got a little sloppy and the ‘Stang started to rock to the side pretty bad. The sales guy told me it was body roll caused by gravity and centrifugal force and some other mumbo-jumbo. I went ahead and bought the car, and I was determined to finally put my foot down against the tyranny of gravity. I picked up some Eibach springs, which shaved about an inch in the front and .3” in the rear. Along with that, I mounted a set of Edelbrock shocks at each corner, which seriously stiffened up the chassis. Now, when I hit the corners going mach five, my street machine stays good and nimble. Take that, Heisenberg!